My Friday..

My mood seems to be sinking by hours and it doesn't help that I'm fasting today. I'm feeling grumpy but I hope I was not putting a false front. I try my best to put a sweet face as I know that people will appreciate it that way. I'm hoping that I'll be able to pick myself up soon enough. I've been having massive headache this pass few days and the only remedy that work me now is to lay myself on the couch and try to catch some sleep.I'll wake up feeling better. I believe that this is the way my body is trying to communicate to me and to remind me to take care of myself.

I found solace in watching the bird flies and staring at the window. Sometimes I wish to have company on my journey. To have a shoulder to cry on. To have somebody that I can joke around for the rest of my life. But I scared of losing my freedom and my privacy. I believe I've to learn to share things and open up my heart to be loved. Perhaps I choose the safer way, the way that I best know of. People never realize how fragile I am. Maybe because I never let them too close to my heart. Maybe I'm too scared to be loved ... For fear it will crush me and come tumbling down. If I choose to flip my coin now, I wonder how it is going to be. Maybe it is not how I flip the coin that matter but the decision that I made to flip it.
I've been pretending to be tough and time I do feel lonely. But I do not trust myself to let others come close to me. I don't know why but that is how it is. Maybe it is just me and my junkie brain.

I feel that I am starting not to make sense even to myself. My mind just shutdowns and runs into ignore mode. Could it be the sign that I'm avoiding myself? I've been asked by somebody close to me on the subject of what I fear the most in my life. I said I fear of darkness and not knowing what the future hold for me. But deep in my heart I know I fear of myself. Why? I'll never have answer to that because ignorance plays the better part of me.

I don't know much about this world to dictate things and I could only search in myself and hope to be enlightened.